Hazy Horizons Part 3

 I ignored your calls for days. You texted me asking what changed. The words hung in the air as I met them with silence, not having the strength to air my confessions. After two days of silence from your end, you texted me,

“Can we meet?”

I tried to tell you that it’s not a good idea, but you insisted you just wanted closure.

I came.

We sat on the sand looking out at the water, watching the waves crash just like the end of our first date, the moment we confessed we wanted more, only a few weeks early and yet everything’s changed.

You asked, “What did I do wrong?”

I hesitated, not knowing how to remedy you of a guilt that was not yours to bare without laying my own truth at your feet. I decided on a summary that lacked the depth of my realization.

“Don’t blame yourself. I thought I could escape the pieces of me that are damaged beyond repair by loving you, but the truth is those pieces will haunt me no matter what I do.”

You laughed bitterly and replied, “Ah an excuse you mean.”

“What?” escaped my lips.

“You’re using excuses to escape your fear of someone actually loving you. And that’s bullshit.”

“Excuse me?”

“That’s bullshit! Everyone has their past. Their broken hearts that made them think they weren’t enough; their regret from when they lost themselves trying to chase acceptance; their shame when they hurt others and couldn’t accept the blame. I have my issues too but I’m still sitting here trying to love you.”

 We both let your words have their space, soaking in their feeling in different ways. After a couple minutes you cleared your throat and your tone grew gentle.

“Look, I can’t promise you forever. And I know you don’t expect me to. But just because I can’t promise you forever doesn’t me I can’t promise you now.

I can promise that while I’m here you’ll always have someone you can depend on. I can’t promise I’ll never hurt you but I can promise you I’ll replace anger with honesty, valuing our love over our problems. I can’t promise we won’t change with time but I can promise I will always support your growth even if it leads us to a different end goal.

I can’t promise that you’ll never wake up with doubts on your mind, that it will never get hard to resist your fears, but I can promise you that you’ll fall asleep wrapped in my arms and wake up in them. And that I’ll keep my arms around you as you air your doubts. And I’ll pull you closer till there’s no space between us and all you can feel is me, holding you. And I’ll keep my grip tight. And I’ll breathe out. And I won’t let go until I feel you exhale with me in time.”

~~~

Short Story by Nicole Asherah. Nicole Asherah is an artist who tries to connect people to intimate moments, feelings, and relationships experienced throughout life through her poetry, paintings, and photography.

If you enjoyed this short story, check out:

Hazy Horizons Part 1

Finding What I’ve Lost

Autumn Leaves